Edited post on the 22nd of August 2014 for the new tea blog
I started tea classes and it's the last class. I finished the first homework with brio, but now the second assignment is asking for samples of tea which will likely take 4-6 weeks to arrive here in Germany as they come from North America. I'm afraid of the deadline to receive the certificate, but maybe the teacher will be willing to extend the date just for me since it takes that long and it's the 2nd assignment. I sent her a message and I hope I can start on another assignment in the meanwhile. I really want to open a teahouse. I want books and jazz bands in it. I want to make enough to employ people to work there without me having to supervise all the time everyday. I want to be my own client. I've been working on a concept for months and all I need is further knowledge on how to manage people, start the business, business plans and tea. I already know a bit about most of these, but I want to know more. I want to be a tea expert so people can confidently look up to me for knowledge and answers. There is nothing more frustrating than knowing more about a product you want to buy than the people selling it.
Ah well, I want a hug.
Benj: I've always been terrible at advice so I don't think I can do better than a psychologist :P In fact, I'll prolly make it worse, but I'm filled with good intentions D:
ReplyDeleteHonestly though, I'm reading this and what I take away from it is "Excuses why I can't be happy" and all I can reply to that is to stop worrying and find ways to be happy.
How do you know those mom meetings are going to turn that way? You know you like video games and animes... go to anime meet-ups nearby, find gaming cafes close to you and maybe there'll be communities you can join into. Same for sports, I can't believe it's hard to find weekly gatherings of people playing a sport you like, and you don't need to know any of them beforehand either.
I'm saying all these things, but I know it's hard to make new friends. If there's a way, though, it definitely is to go out there and do things with groups of people you have something in common with. The hard part is to find that group and that activity, the rest just flows.
As for losing all your friends over here, all I can tell you is that you've left me with a pretty nasty impression: Your boyfriend was waiting for you in Japan, and you left him at THAT time for some other guy. There's a ton of things hidden here, your relationship with him before the event, your feelings, what he was doing to you and all that, but on the surface it just hit me like a brick: "Wow, that was a dirty thing to do."
I had a chance to interact with you a bit and know more of the story so I got over it, I've always thought you were a nice person, but who's to say that's not the reason you feel your friends over here have become distant? Maybe they just need to have a good chat with you to remember that you're still good ol' Kathia.
As for your sex life, clearly I'm no expert, but if acting sexy isn't working out, having a good chat with the boyfriend would help. You know how men like to have things laid out clearly in front of them :P And to be a good couple, these things have to be clearly put upfront all honest-like or it'll build up and eventually explode.
So yeah, you're a very friendly girl and I really think it's easy to befriend you once we get through your unique side, so I definitely think you can build a new network of buds, you just gotta make the first step. Hang in there and try to see the good side of things!
When you say mom meetings, you mean when she has a boyfriend or around Christmas? I don't know how they will turn up every time. I just know that's how they've turned up. I haven't spent a single Christmas with my mom since I was 17. She always dodges. And since I don't really know my dad, I can't spend Christmas with my closest family. I'm just tired of spending it with my boyfriend's/husband's family all the time. Last year I spent alone with my hubby, it was great. X3
DeleteI wasn't expecting advice, I just needed to vent to someone and I felt you'd be the perfect friend for that. You don't judge, you don't overreact (except when talking about things you love :P). I might make you uncomfortable with this fact, but I love you so much as a friend even if we don't do so much together. Aside from a few other friends, I often talk about you (in a good way!). If you'd ask my husband what I think about you he'd probably say "She thinks you're awesome."
I know I sounded whinny. It was more or less an accumulation of everything all at once. I'm tired of hurting and I want to be happy. But depression is complicated. I'm lucky to have a general positive demeanour, so I can try to motivate my silly carcass from time to time :3.
Actually, because I had to go back to Germany, I missed the "Wii and tea" meeting. I saw it in the local newspapers about meetings and classes. I guess I could have met people with 2 things in common with me. But there may be more. I'll loo it up when I come back to Calgary! :)
As for my boyfriend. I am stocked. I guess that's the impression most people have then. Jean never really told anyone how nasty how relationship had gotten. My rationalization of it now is that 6 months into the relationship, he realized he had chased me out of lust. He didn't love me. He was in love with someone else and it took me years to realize that. Why he stayed with me for so long? Guilt. Guilt and because he felt cosy. He had been chasing girls for so long, all he wanted was to be okay with a girl and build a family, even if that meant he didn't really love her. The guilt part is coming from the fact that when he met me, I was a mess and was looking up to him. I ran away from my aunt's place because they had used all my and their money to buy drugs instead of food and paying the bills. We were to be thrown out and I had been begging for money in the streets to buy food. My father knew about it apparently and decided to do nothing. My mom didn't know. Long story anyway. Jean at the beginning of our relationship refused sex and even told me, brace yourself, "I don't care if you screw some other guy, as long as he's not an asshole."
DeleteAs was not actively looking for that, but at some point I wanted to test it, so I went on some dates with another guy. We didn't screw and Jean was okay with it. When we were in Germany, life was though. He actually told me mom in secrecy (my mom doesn't keep secrets) that he thought I'd crack, but was quite the pillar (back then). Then he left me to go to Japan. But before that he wanted to go back to Canada first. Fair enough. Before Christmas so I would psend Chrismtas alone in a country I hated. He should have known it was especially rough on me. Evne before I was 17, I didn't get to spend Christmas with my mom alone. Always with someone else's family and he shouldn't have even thought about that. That showed how insensitive he was and don't even get me started on the Mormon thing! Jean proposed to marry me after a year when I talked to him about it (I was in love). Then the ring was a fake. He never got a new one and decided we should call it off because I didn't believe in god. Some mormons come in. Very nice virgins younger than us! XD We invited them often, then they convinced Jean. But we were not allowed to live with me 'cause we weren't married. He decides that now he wants to marry me. I told him that if that was the only reason, I was not going to do it. I'm not religious and wouldn't marry for such a ridiculous reason. Anyway, I begged him for days to not go before Christmas. He eventually agreed, but went away before New Year's. I got myself a goose and Eiswine. It was actually ok even though it was lonely. No call no nothing (and I know he doesn't spend New Year's with his family because his uncle hosts it and he hates him). Just me and the tv.
I was going to some Kung Fu classes and had noticed one of the students was actually living nearby. We had started to chat a few weeks prior to Jean leaving. He would invite me for a movie in his apartment, but thinking he was hitting on me I always declined. Turned out he was just as lonely as I had become. We watched movies and laughed and as I had grown distant to Jean in the last years more in the last months, I grew attached to this man who had things in common with me. Jean and I didn't really have anything in common aside from video games, some movies and tea. I fell in love badly. But I was tortured.
I knew Jean at the time was in Japan. But you know, as I said before, it's just not fair to send a message saying I'm breaking up with you. Also, I wanted to know if it would work with Robert. I didn't want to leave Germany not knowing if it was worth coming back again. And as Jean told me countless of times "I don't care who you screw, as long as he's not an asshole". So I played by his rules. Also, Jean often told me something that turned out to be a self-prophecy: "I know you will leave me someday". So I waited patiently until I too went to Japan to break up the news in person as I thought was the only acceptable way after 6 years.
DeleteThere is much more that people don't know about me and Jean. So many things that never came out that made this relationship complicated and seeming devoid of real loving emotions. Jean was a friend and I don't think he really thought of me as anything else than a good friend with benefits. Sometimes I even doubt he really considered me a friend, rather a convenience.
I had a good chat with him the night before I lashed out. I actually found some good websites after I send this message to you. Turns out they were perfect (I didn't rad the content hoping it would do the trick and that he could feel like he was surprising me. I'm pretty much happy now. I just couldn't help being frustrated that he was so shy with me after so long. But I guess I can be aggressive sometimes and that's a bit intimidating... ^^; It's just that if I make it too obvious it's boring for me you know. I can't just go: have sex with me, but I'm not in the mood just yet, I just want foreplay. I want to start the foreplay without having to spell it out. Kills the magic. It's like having to explain a joke.
And... thank you so much Benji, you're awesome. ;)
P.S. I forgot to mention. My aunt is on my Father's side. That's why he knew about it. Actually, I've seen him twice since my mom left him. When I was 8 when his other sister died and when I was 17, he invited his sister and her girlfriend and since I was living there, I guess he was curious what I looked like. He said to shut the hell up about their drugs addiction. I don't know how deep he was in this problem, but I guess he and his girlfriend didn't want the cops involved :S
ReplyDeleteI was talking about the meetings with other new mothers with babies you mentioned : )
ReplyDeleteGlad to have been an ear to listen to your worries. Good to know more about your previous relationship, I kinda figured it wasn't as simple as it looked.
Oh, I just anticipate that most mothers are all about my baby this, my baby that, my hair, my hair, what is a video game? :P Anime? What's that? Ewww! Subtitles! XD
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